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POLITICAL HUMOR

Shepherd Hoodwin

 

George W. Bush was the scariest anti-drug cautionary tale the Republicans had, if they'd only take advantage of it.

They should have put Nancy back on TV saying, "Do you want to end up like this? Just say no!"

 

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During the run-up to the Iraq war, I received a popular anti-war email promoting the "Feed Thine Enemy" campaign. It suggested that we "Place one-half cup of uncooked rice in a small plastic bag and address it to President George Bush." When I forwarded it, I added, "Since time is of the essence, it is recommended that you send Minute Rice."

 

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I live close to San Onofre Nuklear Power Plant, and that makes me an expert in nuklear physics. I also live near a strip joint, which makes me an expert in female anatomy and architecture with poles.

I've visited Canada, and have looked Canadians directly in the eyes. That makes me qualified to determine foreign policy towards Canadians, and I say nuke 'em into oblivion because the way they say eh really gets under my skin.

Okay, I was just kidding about the strip joint.

 

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It really irks me how people make things up and pass them off as the truth—for example, Sarah Palin saying that the Obama health plan calls for euthanizing our grandmothers. That's simply not true! It's only going to euthanize *Republican* grandmothers—big difference.

I do hope that she doesn't find out that there is also a provision for testing all fetuses, and any that show a leaning to grow up Republican will be automatically aborted. It's perfectly reasonable, but right-wingers blow things like that so out of proportion!

And the swine flu vaccine is only going to be mandatory for people who are actual swine.

 

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THE REAL POINT ABOUT SARAH PALIN

 

People are missing the point about Sarah Palin. The liberal elite media wants to focus on her total lack of knowledge, etc. However, what really matters here is her husband, Todd—he is totally hunkalicious! He's hotter than global warming! He can melt the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve and turn polar bears into land bears faster than all the rest of the Republicans combined.

What the good people of small-town America (with populations of 4999 or less) really want is a Second Gentleman who looks as good in a swimsuit as he does in a suit, who's alluring but dignified, and Todd's the man. After five babies, he still has a great figure. He can fix your oil rig AND watch your kids. Straight women and gay men want to have sex with him; straight men and lesbians want to go fishing with him. He's the man who can bring America together.

As Dennis Kucinich said, "Wake up, America!!" Who cares about Sarah Palin's record or qualifications? How much harm could she do? What really matters is that we need Todd Palin for First Hunk. I don't care if he's a man or a moose. He can warm up my igloo anytime.

 

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A few years ago, I saw Sarah Palin in a summer stock production of the Broadway show "Annie Get Your Gun" (Reba McEntire was out for that performance), and she was pretty good, especially in the song, "You Can't Get a Man with a Gun," although apparently, she did.

In hindsight, the casting was extraordinary: Frank Butler, the nemesis that Annie Oakley later falls in love with, was played by none other than Joe Biden, on his summer recess from the Senate. He's a sage, and she has a sage ET, so they both like performing. Anyway, here's the lyrics of one of their duets that I think eerily foreshadowed their debates: Truly a case of life imitating art.

SARAH: Anything you can do I can do better

......I can do anything better than you

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can, yes, I can

 

JOE: Anything you can be I can be greater

......Sooner or later I'm greater than you

SARAH: No, you're not

JOE: Yes, I am

SARAH: No, you're not

JOE: Yes, I am

SARAH: No, you're not

JOE: Yes, I am, yes I am

 

JOE: I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge

SARAH: I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow

JOE: I can live on bread and cheese

SARAH: And only on that?

JOE: Yes

SARAH: So can a rat

 

JOE: Any note you can reach I can go higher

SARAH: I can sing anything higher than you

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

 

SARAH: Anything you can buy I can buy cheaper

......I can buy anything cheaper than you

JOE: Fifty cents

SARAH: Forty cents

JOE: Thirty cents

SARAH: Twenty cents

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can, yes, I can

 

JOE: Anything you can say I can say softer

SARAH: I can say anything softer than you

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can, yes, I can

 

JOE: I can drink my liquor faster than a flicker

SARAH: I can do it quicker and get even sicker

JOE: I can open any safe

SARAH: Without being caught?

JOE: Sure

SARAH: That's what I thought (you crook)

 

JOE: Any note you can hold I can hold longer

SARAH: I can hold any note longer than you

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can, yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't - yes, you can

 

SARAH: Anything you can wear I can wear better

......In what you wear I'd look better than you

JOE: In my coat

SARAH: In your vest

JOE: In my shoes

SARAH: In your hat

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can, yes, I can

 

JOE: Anything you can say I can say faster

SARAH: I can say anything faster than you

JOE: Noyoucan't

SARAH: YesIcan

JOE: Noyoucan't

SARAH: YesIcan

JOE: Noyoucan't

SARAH: YesIcan

JOE: Noyoucan't

SARAH: YesIcan

 

JOE: I can jump a hurdle

SARAH: I can wear a girdle

JOE: I can knit a sweater

SARAH: I can fill it better

JOE: I can do most anything

SARAH: Can you bake a pie?

JOE: No

SARAH: Neither can I

 

JOE: Anything you can sing I can sing sweeter

SARAH: I can sing anything sweeter than you

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Oh, yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

JOE: No, you can't, can't, can't

SARAH: Yes, I can, can, can, can

JOE: No, you can't

SARAH: Yes, I can

 

***

 

Here was Sarah's signature song, which she performed quite convincingly:

 

YOU CAN'T GET A MAN WITH A GUN

 

Oh, my mother was frightened by a shotgun, they say

That's why I'm such a wonderful shot.

I'd be out in the cactus and I'd practice all day,

And now tell me what have I got?

 

I'm quick on the trigger with targets not much bigger than a pinpoint

I'm number one, but my score with a feller

Is lower than a cellar, oh you can't get a man with a gun.

 

When I'm with a pistol, I sparkle like a crystal

yes, I shine like the morning sun,

but I lose all my luster, when with a bronco buster,

oh you can't get a man with a gun.

 

With a gu-un, with a gu-un, oh you can't get a man with a gun

 

If I went to battle with someone's herd of cattle

You'd have steak when the job was done.

But, if I shot the herder, they'd holler bloody murder

and you can't shoot a male in the tail like a quail,

Oh you can't get a man with a gun.

 

I'm cool, brave, and daring to see a lion glaring

when I'm out with my Remington.

But a look from a mister will raise a fever blister

oh you can't get a man with a gun

 

The gals with umbrellas are always out with fellers

in the rain or the blazin sun

But a man never trifles with gals who carry rifles

oh you can't get a man with a gun.

 

With a gu-un, with a gu-un, oh you can't get a man with a gun.

 

A man's love is mighty, he'll even buy a nightie

for a gal who he thinks is fun.

But they don't buy pajamas for pistol packin mamas

 

and you can't get a hug from a mug with a slug

oh you can't get a man with a gun.

 

—Music and lyrics by Irving Berlin

 

Ah, so many memories from that little production of "Annie Get Your Gun"! It was in a small, old-fashioned town that still believed in summer stock. They didn't want or need any of that new-fangled technology, like electrical lights; the whole production was lit by torches.

John McCain was also a member of that cast. He played Buffalo Bill. He had auditioned for the lead, Frank Butler. His agent campaigned hard for the part—he said that McCain was uniquely qualified for it because he'd been a POW. The director thought it might be good publicity to have his name on the flyers they gave out after church when coffee and mayonnaise jello rolls were served. Unfortunately, McCain can't sing worth beans, and Frank Butler is a demanding role. In fact, McCain's voice sounds like a cross between Wile E. Coyote and the Chipmunks. However, he gave a terrific performance as Buffalo Bill Cody—it was a role he was born to play.

Sarah Palin doesn't have a great voice, either, which is why she was just cast to understudy Reba McEntire, but boy can that gal sell a song! During the auditions, the director noted her "congeniality" and "spunk," then added, "I hate spunk." When she was first cast, she asked, "What the f*ck does an understudy do every day? Can someone please tell me that?" Still, the one time she went on, the night I happened to be there, the audience adored her, despite her flubbing her lines and singing off-key. That's what I love about summer stock audiences in Small Town America—they're so supportive of their actors. They really know how to have a good time, unlike those dead serious people who live in cities with populations larger than 4999 and who care about things like "professionalism" and reviews by the Broadway Media Elite. As far as they were concerned, their production of "Annie Get Your Gun" was "darned good" and they were ready to shoot anyone who said otherwise—that's real dedication.

Barack Obama also auditioned for the show, but the director felt that he wasn't "Injun enough." The director then went on to cast all Caucasian actors to play the Native Americans in the show. Go figure.

 

***

 

Re: John Edwards

 

OHMIGOD! A POLITICIAN HAD AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR! SHOCKING! UNPRECEDENTED!! THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS OF THE MONTH!!!

 

Personally, I would have found it much more entertaining had Edwards had an affair with another man—that's my biggest disappointment in him. With that hair, it was such a waste. I'm circulating a petition demanding that he have an affair with Tom Cruise at Scientology headquarters. We deserve that much from him.

In my opinion, it's simply not enough anymore to have an affair with a campaign aide. That shows an egregious lack of imagination that reflects poorly on his ability to lead. Playing footsie in an airport restroom, preferably with a transsexual dwarf—now *that's* the kind of vision this country needs to succeed in the 21st Century.

 


 

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