George W. Bush was the scariest anti-drug cautionary tale the
Republicans had, if they'd only take advantage of it.
They should have put Nancy back on TV saying, "Do you want to
end up like this? Just say no!"
***
During the run-up to the Iraq war, I received a popular anti-war
email promoting the "Feed Thine Enemy"
campaign. It suggested that we "Place one-half cup of uncooked rice in a
small plastic bag and address it to President George Bush." When I
forwarded it, I added, "Since time is of the essence, it is recommended
that you send Minute Rice."
***
I live close to San Onofre Nuklear Power Plant, and
that makes me an expert in nuklear physics. I also
live near a strip joint, which makes me an expert in female anatomy and
architecture with poles.
I've visited Canada,
and have looked Canadians directly in the eyes. That makes me qualified to
determine foreign policy towards Canadians, and I say nuke 'em
into oblivion because the way they say eh really gets under my skin.
Okay, I was just
kidding about the strip joint.
***
It really irks me
how people make things up and pass them off as the truth—for example,
Sarah Palin saying that the Obama health plan calls for euthanizing our
grandmothers. That's simply not true! It's only going to euthanize *Republican*
grandmothers—big difference.
I do hope that she
doesn't find out that there is also a provision for testing all fetuses, and
any that show a leaning to grow up Republican will be automatically aborted. It's
perfectly reasonable, but right-wingers blow things like that so out of
proportion!
And the swine flu
vaccine is only going to be mandatory for people who are actual swine.
***
THE REAL POINT ABOUT
SARAH PALIN
People are missing the
point about Sarah Palin. The liberal elite media wants to focus on her total
lack of knowledge, etc. However, what really matters here is her husband,
Todd—he is totally hunkalicious! He's hotter
than global warming! He can melt the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve and turn
polar bears into land bears faster than all the rest of the Republicans
combined.
What the good people
of small-town America (with populations of 4999 or less) really want is a
Second Gentleman who looks as good in a swimsuit as he does in a suit, who's alluring but dignified, and Todd's the man. After five
babies, he still has a great figure. He can fix your oil rig
AND watch your kids. Straight women and gay men want to have sex with him;
straight men and lesbians want to go fishing with him. He's the man who can
bring America together.
As Dennis Kucinich
said, "Wake up, America!!" Who cares about Sarah Palin's record or
qualifications? How much harm could she do? What really matters is that we need
Todd Palin for First Hunk. I don't care if he's a man or a moose. He can warm
up my igloo anytime.
***
A few years ago, I
saw Sarah Palin in a summer stock production of the Broadway show "Annie
Get Your Gun" (Reba McEntire was out for that
performance), and she was pretty good, especially in the song, "You Can't
Get a Man with a Gun," although apparently, she did.
In hindsight, the
casting was extraordinary: Frank Butler, the nemesis that Annie Oakley later
falls in love with, was played by none other than Joe Biden, on his summer recess
from the Senate. He's a sage, and she has a sage ET, so they both like
performing. Anyway, here's the lyrics of one of their duets that I think eerily
foreshadowed their debates: Truly a case of life imitating art.
SARAH: Anything you
can do I can do better
......I can do anything better than you
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can,
yes, I can
JOE: Anything you
can be I can be greater
......Sooner or later I'm greater than you
SARAH: No, you're
not
JOE: Yes, I am
SARAH: No, you're
not
JOE: Yes, I am
SARAH: No, you're
not
JOE: Yes, I am, yes
I am
JOE: I can shoot a
partridge with a single cartridge
SARAH: I can get a
sparrow with a bow and arrow
JOE: I can live on bread
and cheese
SARAH: And only on
that?
JOE: Yes
SARAH: So can a rat
JOE: Any note you
can reach I can go higher
SARAH: I can sing
anything higher than you
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
SARAH: Anything you
can buy I can buy cheaper
......I can buy anything cheaper than you
JOE: Fifty cents
SARAH: Forty cents
JOE: Thirty cents
SARAH: Twenty cents
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can,
yes, I can
JOE: Anything you
can say I can say softer
SARAH: I can say
anything softer than you
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can,
yes, I can
JOE: I can drink my
liquor faster than a flicker
SARAH: I can do it
quicker and get even sicker
JOE: I can open any
safe
SARAH: Without being
caught?
JOE: Sure
SARAH: That's what I
thought (you crook)
JOE: Any note you
can hold I can hold longer
SARAH: I can hold
any note longer than you
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can,
yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't -
yes, you can
SARAH: Anything you
can wear I can wear better
......In what you wear I'd look better than you
JOE: In my coat
SARAH: In your vest
JOE: In my shoes
SARAH: In your hat
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can,
yes, I can
JOE: Anything you
can say I can say faster
SARAH: I can say
anything faster than you
JOE: Noyoucan't
SARAH: YesIcan
JOE: Noyoucan't
SARAH: YesIcan
JOE: Noyoucan't
SARAH: YesIcan
JOE: Noyoucan't
SARAH: YesIcan
JOE: I can jump a
hurdle
SARAH: I can wear a
girdle
JOE: I can knit a
sweater
SARAH: I can fill it
better
JOE: I can do most
anything
SARAH: Can you bake
a pie?
JOE: No
SARAH: Neither can I
JOE: Anything you
can sing I can sing sweeter
SARAH: I can sing
anything sweeter than you
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Oh, yes, I
can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
JOE:
No, you can't, can't, can't
SARAH: Yes, I can,
can, can, can
JOE: No, you can't
SARAH: Yes, I can
***
Here was Sarah's
signature song, which she performed quite convincingly:
YOU CAN'T GET A MAN
WITH A GUN
Oh, my mother was frightened by a shotgun, they say
That's why I'm such
a wonderful shot.
I'd be out in the
cactus and I'd practice all day,
And now tell me what
have I got?
I'm quick on the
trigger with targets not much bigger than a pinpoint
I'm number one, but
my score with a feller
Is lower than a
cellar, oh you can't get a man with a gun.
When I'm with a
pistol, I sparkle like a crystal
yes, I shine like the morning sun,
but I lose all my luster, when with a bronco
buster,
oh you can't get a man with a gun.
With a gu-un, with a gu-un, oh you can't
get a man with a gun
If I went to battle
with someone's herd of cattle
You'd have steak
when the job was done.
But, if I shot the
herder, they'd holler bloody murder
and you can't shoot a male in the tail like a
quail,
Oh you can't get a
man with a gun.
I'm cool, brave, and
daring to see a lion glaring
when I'm out with my Remington.
But a look from a
mister will raise a fever blister
oh you can't get a man with a gun
The gals with
umbrellas are always out with fellers
in the rain or the blazin
sun
But a man never
trifles with gals who carry rifles
oh you can't get a man with a gun.
With a gu-un, with a gu-un, oh you can't
get a man with a gun.
A man's love is mighty, he'll even buy a nightie
for a gal who he thinks is fun.
But they don't buy
pajamas for pistol packin mamas
and you can't get a hug from a mug with a slug
oh you can't get a man with a gun.
—Music and
lyrics by Irving Berlin
Ah, so many memories
from that little production of "Annie Get Your Gun"! It was in a
small, old-fashioned town that still believed in summer stock. They didn't want
or need any of that new-fangled technology, like electrical lights; the whole
production was lit by torches.
John McCain was also
a member of that cast. He played Buffalo Bill. He had auditioned for the lead,
Frank Butler. His agent campaigned hard for the part—he said that McCain
was uniquely qualified for it because he'd been a POW. The director thought it
might be good publicity to have his name on the flyers they gave out after
church when coffee and mayonnaise jello rolls were
served. Unfortunately, McCain can't sing worth beans, and Frank Butler is a
demanding role. In fact, McCain's voice sounds like a cross between Wile E.
Coyote and the Chipmunks. However, he gave a terrific performance as Buffalo
Bill Cody—it was a role he was born to play.
Sarah Palin doesn't
have a great voice, either, which is why she was just cast to understudy Reba McEntire, but boy can that gal sell a song! During the
auditions, the director noted her "congeniality" and "spunk,"
then added, "I hate spunk." When she was first cast, she asked, "What
the f*ck does an understudy do every day? Can someone
please tell me that?" Still, the one time she went on, the night I
happened to be there, the audience adored her, despite her flubbing her lines
and singing off-key. That's what I love about summer stock audiences in Small
Town America—they're so supportive of their actors. They really know how
to have a good time, unlike those dead serious people who live in cities with
populations larger than 4999 and who care about things like "professionalism"
and reviews by the Broadway Media Elite. As far as they were concerned, their
production of "Annie Get Your Gun" was "darned good" and
they were ready to shoot anyone who said otherwise—that's real
dedication.
Barack Obama also
auditioned for the show, but the director felt that he wasn't "Injun
enough." The director then went on to cast all Caucasian actors to play
the Native Americans in the show. Go figure.
***
Re: John Edwards
OHMIGOD! A
POLITICIAN HAD AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR! SHOCKING! UNPRECEDENTED!! THE MOST
IMPORTANT NEWS OF THE MONTH!!!
Personally, I would
have found it much more entertaining had Edwards had an affair with another
man—that's my biggest disappointment in him. With that hair, it was such
a waste. I'm circulating a petition demanding that he have an affair with Tom
Cruise at Scientology headquarters. We deserve that much from him.
In my opinion, it's
simply not enough anymore to have an affair with a campaign aide. That shows an
egregious lack of imagination that reflects poorly on his ability to lead.
Playing footsie in an airport restroom, preferably
with a transsexual dwarf—now *that's* the kind of vision this country
needs to succeed in the 21st Century.